ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
