Cold hands, warm shart.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
