i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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