Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
