i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
