3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
