He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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