I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
