You smell like a Billy Joel song
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I would ride that face into the sunset
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
