I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
