There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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