Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
