I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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