When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
