Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
