She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
