'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize