she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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