hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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