where does the pee come out of this thing
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
