my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
