I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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