this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
