Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
