It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
