I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Panties = found
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
