he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
