A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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