Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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