Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
