Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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