saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
