My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
