They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
