did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize