Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize