I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
