my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize