they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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