i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
