i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize