he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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