somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
