Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
