I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
