I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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