Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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