I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
