Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize