u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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