You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
