If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
