Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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