and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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