I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
