We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
