just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize