Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
