I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
