Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am one with the molecules
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize