Non-Jews are for practice
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
my liver is dry heaving
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
